I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just had sex bonerless
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
