is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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