don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
