new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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