the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize