you guys were way drunker than both of me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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