yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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