well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
