I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
