His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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