he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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