How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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