Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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