He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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