I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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