first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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