dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize