Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize