I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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