You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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