a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
