They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
