her facebook's as public as her vagina
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
