I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
