If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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