i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
