I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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