Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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