no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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