i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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