sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
