My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
