I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
