Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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