I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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