he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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