Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
