guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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