You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
