I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
