Im at strip club and am horny
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Randomize
