Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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