i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
