I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
