Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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