even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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