i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we made out on top of his cat.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
