Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
