Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize