just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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