if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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