I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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