Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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