This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I am naked and annoyed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
