Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
