You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize