I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You made out with two different species that night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
