i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
