I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
