smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
